How Self-Compassion can help your Relationship
Self-compassion is the practice of being kind with ourselves when confronting challenges and framing our struggles as part of the human experience, rather than as personal shortcomings, failures or pathologies. For this reason, self-compassion is a powerful antidote to shame and can improve our relationship with ourselves and others.
While it’s easier said than done, self-compassion involves turning inward to our suffering with the same intention that we would give to another who is suffering — we offer care to others when they are having a hard time not as a way to ‘fix’ or cure them but as an intention to wrap them in care while they are going through a hard time. Think of a child who has the flu: we bring them soup in bed, wrap them in a blanket and put on their favorite cartoon not because we think this tender care will cure they virus; we do all these things for a child because they are sick. Self-compassion training involves learning various practices that enable us to give ourselves kindness, gentleness and care — not as a clever means to “improve” ourselves but simply for its own sake. This is something that can be quite foreign to most of us.
At Resilience Psychotherapy, we refer a lot of folks in relationship and sex therapy to the Mindful Self-Compassion program that we facilitate. This blog is to help you understand why we recommend self-compassion and provide you with some concrete examples of just some of the ways you can use self-compassion tools to improve your relationship.
Self-compassion and relationships
The research shows that self-compassion is positively correlated with so-called healthy relationship behavior such as being more caring and supportive toward one’s partner and being more assertive about our needs and desires. Folks who are high in self-criticism are typically more distrustful, dissatisfied and guarded with respect to intimacy, which means that self-compassion training can increase trust in self and other and increase our openness to giving and receiving care and feedback.
It’s also important to mention that both folks who have high or low self-esteem tend to struggle in relationships — this is because self-esteem is based on seeing ourselves as better or inferior compared to others; whereas self-compassion needs no comparison and is based on giving ourselves care when we are struggling, and seeing ourselves as connected to the rest of humanity both in our strengths and especially through our vulnerabilities. While pop-psychology and the dominant culture are especially bent on encouraging the pursuit of self-esteem, this can actually be detrimental to our relationships. This is why we recommend self-compassion training.
The other reason we recommend self-compassion training is because relationships are hard! Intimacy bring up our deepest fears and vulnerabilities. At the beginning of a relationship, during the honeymoon phase, it can seem like we’ve finally met someone who fills up all the holes in our soul left from difficult past experiences. Invariably, as a relationship progresses, the holes reveal themselves again and we often blame our partner (You’re not meeting my needs! Maybe you aren’t the right person for me!) or ourselves (Something is wrong with me! I’m doomed!) for having these old wounds resurface when we thought they had disappeared. Alas, self-compassion helps us finally meet old wounds in a tender way so that they can start to heal and so that we can have balance both in our relationship to ourselves and others.
Self-compassion can also help in the day to day of relationships. Here are some examples:
Self-compassion and accountability
Sometimes we are stressed, tired, overwhelmed, or are not our best selves for whatever reason. All relationships have mistakes and conflict — this is healthy and normal. But so many people do not know how to make repair in their relationships as many of us have not seen positive examples of this. In addition, shame or defensiveness can prevent us from being accountable: the former (shame) pulls us inward into a self-hating spiral that actually prevents us from attending to our partner who we may have hurt, and the latter (defensiveness) puts up a shield of excuses and hostility that also prevents us from attending to our partner and also our own deeper feelings beneath that shield. Self- compassion allows us to face our mistakes and short-comings with perspective and kindness, so that we have the inner courage to admit this to another and soothe both their pain and our own.
Example: Say you forgot to do something you promised to do for your partner and they tell you they are let down and disappointed. Because you care about your partner, as you hear their disappointment you start to feel a hollownesss in your stomach that makes you queasy. Suddenly a harsh voice comes into your mind saying: you always mess things up, you’re disorganized, and you can never get anything right. In response to this harsh voice you start to shut down and you withdraw from your partner out of overwhelm. They approach you again and say “hey! I was trying to tell you I’m hurt and now you are walking away.” Then you start getting angry: “leave me alone!”
How self-compassion can help: As you hear your partner’s let down, and notice that hollowness in your stomach, you put a hand on your stomach and experience your own soothing touch. That critical voice may come in, and you might thank it for trying to protect you, but you say to yourself: “I’m feeling scared and shameful about my mistake.
That’s how most people feel when they mess up. I’m going to be kind to myself because feeling fear and shame is really hard. I know that I would tell anyone else that it’s okay to make a mistake and be imperfect.” From there, you notice a space open inside you and the tension might soften. You might take a few deep breathes while telling yourself “may I know my worth.” As you start to feel more resourced, you can start to embody your values of caring for your partner: “may I have courage to admit my mistake”. Then, you might be able to look at your partner and say, “I’m so sorry I let you down. It hurts me to see you disappointed. What can I do now to make it up to you?” Maybe after that discussion you still feel raw, but it doesn’t feel right to “make it about you” when your partner was the hurt one. Self-compassion can be there for you then.
Self-compassion and the pain of unmet needs
Invariably there are times in our relationship when our needs and our partner’s needs clash. Maybe we are craving more shared time and connection and they are busy with a deadline at work or going through a hard time themselves that pulls them inward. This can be hard on both parties – wanting something your partner may be struggling to give, and feeling guilty/ashamed or scared about what it means to not be able to give our partner what they are asking for, and feeling either lonely or suffocated respectively. In these moments, self-compassion can help you turn inward to meet your own pain. Just because your partner is unavailable, doesn’t mean you should neglect yourself!
Example: You just found out a family member is sick, and your partner just graduated from university. You are grieving and scared and would love them to stay home on Friday night and just be with you; while your partner is elated and wants you to come with them to a dinner party with all their friends and family celebrating their success. You and your partner sit down and start trying to discuss what you should do on Friday night and you start to debate. Your partner says: I want to be there for you but it doesn’t feel right to me to cancel these plans. I also have experiences that my joy has never come first! I really wish you would come. You start to feel guilty for what you are asking for them and you start to feel sad and lonely, in addition to scared and grief stricken about your family member.
How self-compassion can help: Self-compassion can help you slow down and turn toward all those emotions and welcome them in as much as you feel you want to. You start to notice to yourself: I’m grieving, I’m scared, I need connection and support, and right now I’m afraid I’m not going to get it and I feel guilty for asking my partner to be with me instead of their grad celebration. Despite the guilt, I am noticing that I still feel a desperation for their support. Maybe you notice all these feelings in your body and allow them to move through you. Maybe you tell yourself: anyone else going through this would have all these same feelings. It’s okay to feel all these things. After bringing acceptance and kindness to all your emotions, you might feel more resourced to continue negotiating with your partner. It might even help you feel better enough to go to their grad dinner, or it might help you feel better enough to stay home in the quiet presence of your own company.
There are many other ways self-compassion can help improve relationships:
- learn how to soothe your own painful emotions and how to better soothe your others
- help you find the balance between focus on yourself and focus on your partner in the relationship
- help you learn to stay in your body and stay focused on pleasure during sex
- help you feel more worthy so you can assert yourself (without collapsing nor getting aggressive) during conflict
- help you feel more compassion and less empathic distress and defensiveness when you are facing a grievance from your partner
- build courage to have difficult conversations with your partner than ultimately lead to mutual growth
- help you learn how to turn inward to soothe yourself when your partner is unavailable for any reason
- and many many more!
Our next Mindful Self-Compassion groups will run in 2023! Email us if you and your partner(s) are interested in enrolling.