Get out of “blame” and repair your relationship
By Stefanie Krasnow
Are you stuck in the blame game with your partner? Having the same fight over and over again? Chances are, you are both likely doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. If your goal is to create repair, resolve conflict productively, and move a “same old” conversation forward into new terrain, then you have to learn how to lay down your weapons, and pick up tools that create connection and understanding. This blog post is a stepping stone in teaching you how to do that. But first, we really need to understand the scope of the problem, and how much of a demon “blame” really is.
Why blame keeps you stuck
Most people that arrive to couples therapy have an acute and nuanced analysis about all the ways their partner needs to change. Each person in a couple can show up appearing fully convinced that the other person, or some aspect of their personality or behavior, is “the problem”. The dynamic between the two parties is then characterized by finger-pointing and blame. This leaves both people feeling stuck, angry, desperate and hopeless. While there are always parts of their complaints that are valid, simply validating those concerns without doing anything more risks leaving couples feeling powerless. Why?
Because validating a narrative of blame, no matter how convincing it is, leaves you without access to your agency and power for what role you play in the relationship dynamic. For example, if your partner rarely helps with chores and this leaves you feeling worn out and taken advantage of, it’s easy to overlook the role you might play in this by:
1) never having initiated a proactive and productive conversation about a healthy division of labour in the first place;
2) only complaining and nagging them about this rather than asking for what you need with clarity, respect and kindness;
3) not owning your needs/desires until you’re way past your limits and already angry and resentful;
4) not acknowledging that your tendency to over-function with chores is partially a coping mechanism for your own anxiety; And so on.
The moment we own our part, even if it’s a small percentage of the dynamic, we help our partner respond to us in a more productive, open-hearted and collaborative way. This disarms defensiveness and puts a sharp stop to the blame game. Blame backfires our relationship goals Blame keeps us stuck in other ways. The more we blame (which is an angry and often condescending position) the more we create shame in our partner that causes them to either shut down, escape, fight back, or smooth things over in a superficial and inauthentic way (also known as ‘fawning’). Reflect for a minute about how you respond when a partner shuts down, runs away, fights back or avoids the conflict by fawning. Chances are, these responses then evoke more stress in you, which then impacts your next response to your partner, and then the blame/shame dance continues ad infinitum.
Blame always backfires. So why do we keep doing it? Because we are imperfect human beings that under stress tend to be quite reactive and self-protective. These impulses to react, and self-protect, undermine our intentions to create balanced, respectful, authentic and loving relationships. Blame is in many ways an instant gratification reflex: we respond to painful emotions and situations by shooting darts outward. In an intimate relationship, this is always lose-lose. We can’t just really on our instincts if we want to create and maintain these kinds of connections.
The balm for blame is Relational self-awareness
One of the quickest ways to get out of the blame game is to ask yourself the following question when you’re having a difficult conversation with your partner: What is it like to be with me right now? This disarming question invites us to look in the mirror and see how we are showing up to a relationship challenge. It invites us to see our partner’s experience of us and confront how we also might be showing up in self-defeating and relationship-defeating ways. This question might reveal to us that we need to shift our tone, or maybe we need to speak up and be more brave. This question might reveal to us that our partner is in part retreating from us because of their own issues AND because we might be coming across in a critical way.
The next time you feel like you are stuck in the blame game with your partner, or having the same question over and over again, try asking yourself this question: what is it like to be with me right now?
Self-compassion and accountability
Looking in the mirror is not easy. Often we don’t like what we see, which is why we are so inclined to point the finger outward instead! When we put down the weapon of blame, we might feel confronted with the painful shame we feel—where shame is simply blame turned inward.
Self-compassion is the antidote to shame and the gateway to accountability. If blame comes from feeling threatened, reactive and self-protective, learning to self- soothe and slow down our reactivity with self-compassion is going to help us feel more agency (and thus more self-esteem) around how we show up for ourselves and others. If you struggle with blame and reactivity in relationships, or struggle with shame when you begin to practice relational self-awareness, self-compassion training can help. The quickest and most cost-effective way to learn the skill of Self-Compassion is our 8- week Mindful Self-Compassion Training enrolling now. Reach out to us to see if this group is right for you!