What to Expect From Couples Therapy
“Couples counselling” carries with it, for some, an omen of a doom for a relationship. The image that gets conjured for most when hearing the phrase “couples therapy” is the image of a middle-aged, heterosexual, cis-gendered, white, couple who can afford to send their kids to soccer and ballet classes while they spend two hours a week in a couples therapists office, desperately trying to ‘save their marriage. This image of who couples therapy is for alienates those who identify as queer, folks in polyamorous relationship configurations, BIPOC folks, folks who live outside of upper middle class privilege, and folks who struggle with pain, chronic illness or disability—which is to say, it alienates most of us. This is really a tragedy as there is no couple, no family, no relationship configuration, that can’t benefit from the natural and powerful process of relationship therapy.
Breaking down the stigma around couples therapy
While there is more and more advocacy in society to reduce stigma about mental health, broadly, and individual therapy specifically, there is strong weight of stigmatization that falls on folks who reach out for relationship therapy.
And this really need not be so.
Relationships are at the heart of our lives, literally. We all arrive in this world utterly dependent on our relationship to our caregivers, and without some form of nurturing and protective relationships across the year, we literally would not survive. As social creatures, human beings need to be bonded and connected to others not only for our physical well-being but for our emotional well-being. And yet, we live in a society that does not give much in the way of a relationship education. Moreover, none of us learn everything we need to learn to set us up for healthy relationships in our families. Even if we come from a family where there wasn’t much hardship, stress or trauma, our caregivers are inevitably imperfect. Our familial relationships are also unchosen, and often, our parental relationships are marked by caregiving, which is a fundamentally different structure than our romantic partner relationships. Invariably, we are left with lots to learn about how to create and maintain healthy romantic and sexual relationships. In this respect, there is no shame in feeling like you are green in the world of relationships; we can all benefit from relationship therapy.
Couples therapy as crucible for personal growth
Another perspective on couples therapy is that none of us are equipped with the tools we need for healthy relationship because these tools can only be acquired through the trial and error that comes over time. We are not born healthy partners, or great lovers; we can only become that through growth, maturation, and learning from our experiences over time. In this vein, a relationship is seen as a vehicle and crucible for not only for fulfillment, but for personal growth and learning. This type of growth is not for the faint of heart, and in many cases relies on the crucible of relationship counselling.
Couple and Relationship Therapy: What to Expect from the Process
What the first sessions look like
Relationship therapy begins with all parties in the relationship meeting with the therapist to discuss their concerns and what they are looking for out of the process. In this session, the therapist will ask about the history of your relationship, what drew you to one another, and explore any shared values. After that initial session, the therapist will then meet with each of you individually, to get to know more about your history and previous life experiences. In your third session, you will meet all together again and begin to collaborate on a customized treatment plan that will outline the way forward for the remaining journey of relationship therapy.
The relationship education you never had
Relationship therapy is a relationship education. Early sessions of couples therapy often involve your therapist educating you about relationships. Your therapist will debunk destructive myths about relationships and sexuality, and will also teach, model and ‘coach’ you in new ways of being that are healthier for you and your beloved(s). Your therapist will continue to work with you to attain your goals as you eventually begin to apply what you’ve learn in relationship therapy.
Relationship Counselling: How to get Started
Couples therapy calling to you yet? If you are wanting to get started on the journey of relationship therapy, you can contact us for a free consultation with any one of our relationship therapists or sex therapists.