Reflections on Accountability and Forgiveness: Part 1
By Stefanie Krasnow and Rami Nijjar
I used to see accountability and forgiveness as an either/or.
Here’s how it went in my mind:
(1) You hold someone accountable (address a problem or infraction, ‘call them out’, or set a boundary). If all is well, you ‘get’ the validation, apology, or mea culpa you yearn for, and then—and only then—can you move toward forgiving them and repairing.
(2) You hold someone accountable (address a problem or infraction, ‘call them out’, or set a boundary). If they are unwilling or unable to apologize, validate your concern, or have a mea culpa moment, then (after allowing yourself to experience some feelings of grief and rage), eventually you decide/realize you must ‘move on’ with your life. At that point, you settle and resign yourself for the absence of such affirmation and move through the muddy waters of forgiveness so that you can get back to enjoying your life.
Example 1 and 2 are two sides of the same coin; in example 1, you ‘get’ accountability, so then you can offer forgiveness; in example 2, you ‘don’t’ receive accountability, so you ‘forgive’ as a second fiddle option. In example 1, forgiveness is transactional; in example 2, forgiveness is subsidiary. In both examples, accountability and forgiveness and are seen as separate from each other, and pit against each other.
In this view, it is accountability VS. forgiveness. In my experience, though I had some day-to-day examples of experiencing #1 (addressing a problem, having someone be accountable, forgiving them, and moving on), some of the bigger pains in my life had fallen through the sequence of example #2: I experienced denial or silence in face of my pleas, and after years of grief and anger, I reluctantly forgave (or so I told myself) as a way to let go of those painful feelings and move forward.
Because of my experiences: forgiveness was, in a way, a dirty word. Something associated with people getting away with doing ‘bad’ things. Something associated with the perceived injustice of that. Something associated with resentment, resignation, disappointment – and in turn, a host of hidden entitlements and expectations for others (some of which are valid and realistic, others which are not).
This perspective on accountability vs. forgiveness is quite common. It is one that is valid and useful in a host of circumstances. However, in many other circumstances, this binary perspective of accountability vs. forgiveness can actually cause more pain and strife and uphold oppressive systems such as white supremacy and patriarchy.
How so, you might ask?
Let’s look at the Me Too movement, for example. #MeToo is a global movement of solidarity that draws awareness to the systemic pandemic of gendered violence. Though the Me Too movement was started by activist Tarana Burke in 2007, it became popularized and went ‘viral’ once famous, white celebrities (like Gwyneth Paltrow, Ashley Judd, and Jennifer Lawrence) started using #MeToo as a hashtag in 2017 in the wake of widespread sexual abuse allegations against Hollywood director, Harvey Weinstein. On October 15, 2017, Hollywood actress, Alyssa Milano, posted on her social media: “If all the women who have been sexually harassed or assaulted wrote ‘Me too’ as a status, we might give people a sense of the magnitude of the problem.” Indeed, a global eruption of #MeToo ensued, one that was certainly powerful and staggering in terms of its scope. #MeToo also illuminated that the oft-quoted statistic, that 1/3 women have been assaulted or abused, is more like 4/5 (a prevalence rate that was and is not at all surprising to women, non-binary and trans folks). #MeToo also became, for better or worse, associated with call-outs and demands for accountability. In the wake of #MeToo, many folks were becoming vocal about their perpetrator’s identities and actions, asking for accountability on scales ranging from personal to public, from intimate to legal domains. Harvey Weinstein, for one, was taken to court and recently sentenced to 23 years in prison for rape. Though criminal punishment does not necessarily mean Harvey Weinstein is learning to be an accountable man, it does show that the legal justice system, for once, has validated his victims, has shown that the system is willing to hold (some) perpetrators ‘accountable’. However, the majority of perpetrators who are called out (not only during the #MeToo movement but across time) exhibit everything from denial to gaslighting. What this means is that white, elite, cis-female celebrities ‘get’ to see their perpetrator held accountable and experience vindication. But most everyday folks, especially folks who are marginalized, don’t have enough safety to even speak out against those who have harmed them.
Many folks can’t ask for, and certainly can’t demand accountability when their jobs, housing, immigration status depend on it, and certainly not when their jobs, housing, or immigration status are in precarious positions. Many folks can’t ask for or demand accountability, without risking further violence or marginalization. So when the internet and pop psychology keep telling folks to ‘speak their truth’, ‘call-out’ abusers, demand accountability, and ‘be heard’, it means that folks who don’t have that luxury often experience a double shame, a double silencing, a double erasure. For these folks, my unquestioned binary of forgiveness vs. accountability only causes further harm.
To have your voice heard and validated when you are in a position of holding less power is not always possible or safe. To have your voice heard and validated – let alone to have the person you are holding accountable actually change their behavior and/or be held accountable by others/an organization/society – means that your voice is respected. But not all voices get recognition or respect. Not all voices get heard. For example, the white, cis-female celebrities who called out abuse in the film industry got widespread support and eventually, justice (acknowledging that criminalization of one ‘bad apple’ is not even close to justice for a systemic rape culture, but that requires another essay). On the contrary, Indigenous groups and their allies all across Canada have been raising awareness, for decades, in regards to systemic and ongoing violence against indigenous women and girls and have not yet received accountability and certainly not justice (to learn more about this, read about Missing and Murdered Indigenous Women here and here).
The binary of forgiveness vs. accountability is a privileged perspective, one that relies on and reinforces white, Eurocentric, and heteronormative conceptions of community, relationships, and repair. Many from indigenous, immigrant, refugee, or lower SES communities, do not live in Eurocentric, nuclear, heteronormative family units. This means that many folks live and work alongside others who are routinely crossing their boundaries or not validating their experience. As such, they live with a resultant level of stress and anxiety that cannot simply be ameliorated by assertiveness, boundary work, and call out tactics.
Those tools and tactics may not be possible, safe, relevant, or realistic for folks – for those who live on the margins, and for those who have fewer social options for connection, housing, or employment due to their belonging to communities that have been minoritized and marginalized. When these folks are struggling, and are told (by well-meaning but naïve therapists, by well-meaning but biased online articles/social media) to ‘speak their truth’, ‘set boundaries’ and ‘hold accountable’ those who are hurting them, these tactics can cause more harm, stress, and damage. In turn, when people realize these popularly endorsed tactics either don’t apply to their lives at all, or backfire when used, this risks rectifying their sense that they are broken/to blame, rather than the unquestioned and biased ideologies that inform pop psychology/self-help broadly, and notions of accountability/forgiveness specifically.
Forgiveness, understood, in a nuanced way, may be a more accessible path for letting go of the emotional pain that comes in non-unilateral, strained, or simply imperfect relationships.
Forgiveness, as understood through the lens of Mindful Self-Compassion (MSC), involves opening to our own pain, softening to our own experience, soothing and validating ourselves to whatever extent is possible. Forgiveness, from the MSC perspective, involves broadening our perspective: recognizing the situation wasn’t entirely personal (i.e. it isn’t ‘about’ us), but was the cause of many interdependent causes and conditions.
Here’s a common scenario for our clients. You were raised in an abusive family. You have grown up and come to realize that what you experienced wasn’t ok, you learn to feel your feelings and you validate yourself that what you went through was really hard, that your hurt is real, your anger justified, AND you recognize that those who raised you were also struggling with things like intergenerational trauma, racism, poverty, addiction, and/or mental illness. Acknowledging that broader picture doesn’t let anyone off the hook, but it contextualizes our pain; it provides more space for our suffering to be held, understood, and put in perspective. It also allows us to feel less alone since many others are living in this ‘bigger picture’ struggle with us.
Common humanity – a key component of self-compassion – can help especially for those who were raised in abusive families (where shame and stigma often make you feel utterly alone, broken, and unequal) and for those who experience marginalization (where shame caused by other-ing can also make you feel utterly alone, alienated, and unequal). For these folks, forgiveness can help soothe the undue internalized stress of these tough and often unjust situations. People who come from abusive or marginalized environments are often told by well-meaning supports: what happened is not your fault. These words are so soothing to hear, but they are easier said than done. Forgiveness, however, is a way to put this healing adage into action. What happened is not our fault—AND we are not getting the accountability/validation we may yearn for (for all the reasons described thus far)—therefore we forgive because we know (though others may or may not back us up on this) that the shame and pain we feel is not ours to carry. It never was.
Forgiveness is only seen as an unfulfilling second option to accountability by those (like me) who are privileged enough to have their voices heard, at least enough of the time to validate this being possible or expected. Forgiveness is sometimes the only option for healing. And it is not a bad one at all. In fact, forgiveness is extraordinarily powerful. That’s why every religion on the planet has teachings that speak to it. Forgiveness is a route to healing that has served human beings across vast stretches of space and time.
Forgiveness is a balm, a way to let go of all the undue stress that was put upon us unfairly. Forgiveness is magical in that it alchemizes pain and suffering into lightness and ease; forgiveness is entirely self-reliant, it is a conversation and process that need only one’s, own open heart. When others can’t turn toward or soothe our pain, we have ourselves, our own brave hearts, which are capable of doing this all by ourselves.
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This blog has explored the perspective of those who have been hurt and ways that different perspectives of forgiveness & accountability can help or hinder their healing process.
The next blog, part 2, is going to explore the role accountability and forgiveness play from the perspective of being the person who has done wrong or caused hurt. In that article, we will explore ways that accountability and forgiveness can help you create repair in your relationships and be a better ally to folks with less access to power and privilege. In part 2, we will be exploring the art of forgiving ourselves, a process through which the interdependence of accountability and forgiveness is illuminated.