Debunking Common Myths About Sex
Some people think sexual struggles are a minor concern; that issues like addiction or depression are heftier and more serious. Regardless of who you are and what you want your sex life to look like, one feature of sexual struggles is nearly ubiquitous: the fear that you are “abnormal”, that something is wrong with you, your body, or your relationship.
More often than not, what is “wrong” is not you, your body, or your relationship, but the beliefs around sexuality that you uphold. Sometimes these beliefs are conscious (i.e. you can verbalize them and are aware of them) and sometimes these sexual beliefs are unconscious, unexamined convictions operating under the surface of your awareness and causing a ruckus above ground.
It is not your fault if you have warped beliefs around sexuality! Most likely, this is all you have been taught. Standard grade school sex-ed focuses on how to avoid STIs and unwanted pregnancies. This is important information, for sure, but insufficient as sex-education! In terms of information about pleasure, desire, arousal, consent, sexual communication, kink/BDSM, and sexual diversity, most folks passively absorb most of what they assume is ‘normal’ about sex from blockbuster films, schoolyard tropes, porn,magazines, and anxiety-ridden warnings passed on from caregivers. At best, the messages and information that those sources offer is incomplete; at worse, the messages and information from those sources can be harmful — and harmful not only to one’s sex life and relationships, but to a person’s sense of self. … oy vey!
In this sex-negative and pleasure-illiterate climate, so much of sex therapy is really just unravelling these common myths about sex.
Here are some of the most common myths we hear about sex that we are honoured to shed some light on.
Myth 1: Sex has to be spontaneous to be good; if we have to plan for sex, it means something is wrong and it will start to feel like a chore
Sex does not have to be spontaneous to be great! This can be really hard to accept for folks in long-term relationships. Often, people look back to the early stages of their relationship (the ‘honeymoon phase’) or periods in their life where they were dating casually, and remember the ‘fun’ of lusty, spontaneous sex! When the novelty of a relationship wears off, and/or you move in together and start navigating daily stressors and responsibilities, the likelihood of so-called spontaneous sex wanes. This is when many people start to panic and feel like something is wrong. Nothing is wrong. If you value sex, and want to have it, you just have to put some effort into making it happen. The second the word ‘effort’ is put beside ‘sex’, most folks bemoan that they do not want to turn sex into a chore. But putting in effort and planning does not make it a chore…in fact, this is exactly what you did in the early stages of your relationship! And there was so much joy and sexy anticipation that were part of that effort and planning.
Many sex therapists argue that there is in fact no such thing as spontaneous sex. For example, imagine you are going on a first (or second) date with someone exciting. You are likely planning what you are going to wear, where you’re going to go, what you’ll talk about. You may be fantasizing about how the date could go, maybe even fantasizing about the chemistry between you and where it all could lead. As the day or hours approach, you are mentally preparing yourself for the possibility of sex, planning, and rehearsing how it could go. If you’re planning or hoping to invite someone back to your house, you may prepare your room in a certain way, put condoms or lube in a handy place, or wear your favorite ‘special’ undergarments if that’s your thing! In this climate, sex is totally anticipated, not ‘spontaneous’ at all, and that (likely) didn’t ruin how you thought of it or experienced at all!
Think of treating sex like any other valued activity (making a special meal, going on vacation, doing your favorite hobby); to make all these things happen (the meal, the vacation, the ‘me’ time), you need to plan for it, schedule it, and make sure the tsunami of ‘to dos’ doesn’t intrude. With how busy our lives can be in today’s world, and how demanding our various responsibilities are, there often comes a point in a couples’ life where if you don’t plan for sex, it just won’t happen. If you value sex, and want sexual fulfillment in the long-run, you will need to make space for sex in your life.
Myth 2: My partner should be able to “just know” what I want sexually
Some people think: if I have to communicate my sexual wants/needs explicitly, it means we are sexually incompatible; the ‘right’ partner would ‘just know’ what to do, how to touch me, and would just ‘give me’ orgasm after orgasm. This is the sexual correlate of expecting a Knight in Shining Armour to rescue you from the doldrums of existence. It’s unlikely that you are your partner are incompatible; it’s more likely that this myth is the culprit of this impasse.
This idea of a ‘perfect lover’ who would just ‘know’ your body and deliver you orgasms is a fantasy that prevents folks from taking responsibility for their pleasure! If you keep waiting for this ‘perfect lover,’ you may be waiting forever, and that would be really sad because you deserve to feel pleasure and joy in your life. The route to pleasurable sex necessarily involves communicating! First, with yourself, and secondly with your partners.
Talking about what we want sexually, including how we want to be touched, can be really nerve-wracking and intimidating for a lot of people, while for other people it can be sexy and exhilarating! For folks in the former cohort, even just thinking about sexual communication makes them realize that they don’t even know what they like sexually or how they want to be touched. For these folks (and really everyone!) it can be beneficial to explore solo sex as a way of discovering your own body and what kinds of touch, positions, and fantasies give you pleasure. This will make it easier to know what to communicate and co-create with your partner(s).
Myth 3: We’ve stopped having sex, this must mean we are sexually doomed!
Having an unwanted decline in sexual frequency or sexual satisfaction can be really tough. However, there are so many ‘normal,’ everyday reasons why sex can decline: stress, burnout, physical health issues, low mood, the demands of work, pandemic or parenting, unresolved conflict between you and your partner(s), resentment over an imbalance in chores, disconnection in the relationship, and many more!
Often if sex is waning, it’s because one or several of these factors are ‘hitting the breaks’ on your sex life. Most people who see an unwanted decline in sex panic, and start doing things to hit the sexual ‘gas’ pedal: plan a sexy date, put on a fun outfit, think of buying a sex toy, play certain music, etc., etc. These are all great and wonderful ideas, and in some cases these doses of erotic energy can be sufficient to get things going again sexually, but most people can’t get anywhere without first releasing the breaks before hitting the gas!
Take some time to reflect alone or with your partner(s) to discover what’s hitting the breaks, and then make a plan for how to resolve those issues or mitigate their impact.
Myth 4: If I lose wetness/hardness, it means I’m not attracted to my partner any more / if my partner loses wetness/hardness, it must mean they aren’t attracted to me anymore!
Just as above, there are numerous factors that can cause you or your partner(s) to lose wetness/hardness: situational (aka circumstantial), physiological, and psychological. It is normal and natural for levels of arousal to fluctuate across the lifespan, and even throughout a sexual encounter.
If your partner looses wetness/hardness during sex, it does not necessarily mean they are not attracted to you anymore! It might mean they are feeling stressed, are ‘in their heads’, tired, or insecure about something that just happened either during sex, or earlier in the day; it could also mean they have an undiagnosed physical health issue, or aren’t in the mood for sex in general and/or the particular kind of sexual activity you are currently engaging in.
If you lose erection/wetness, it is not a ‘failure’ and sex doesn’t need to be ‘over’ unless that is in fact what you want and need! You can certainly stop if that’s what you want to do, but if you feel like you want to keep going, and your genitals aren’t ‘aroused’ the way you want them to be, no problem! Get some lube, OR choose another sexual/intimate activity that is less genital-focused for a while, OR focus on pleasuring the other person instead, OR do any other activity that you both consent to that is fun, pleasurable, and connective. Your arousal may return once you focus elsewhere, or it may not; regardless, you can still be enjoying yourself.
Myth 5: My sex life will inevitably wither in a long-term relationship
Much ink has been spilled on this topic. While this is a common trend, it is not inevitable. It is often the sense of passivity that brings relationships to a sexless place. Peggy Kleinplatz, a Canadian sex researcher and sex therapist, famously stated: great lovers are made, not born – riffing on Simone de Beauvoir. In her research of long-term partners who reported having “great sex”, Kleinplatz found that eight major factors were present in all the couples studied: a capacity for being present, fostering connection with their partner, co-creating deep sexual and erotic intimacy, extraordinary communication, interpersonal risk-taking and exploration, authenticity, vulnerability, and transcendence.
These factors have nothing to do with the length of the relationship, and everything to do with the intention couples put into their sex lives, and the risks they are willing to take to go after their desires. Your sex life will expire not after X number of years, but in proportion to the degree that you neglect it.
Myth 6: It should be easy for me to get ‘turned on’ and ready to go
Sexual arousal is not on/off switch! Though, for some of us it can sure feel like this. For the vast majority, there is not an ‘on’ button. That doesn’t mean your sexuality is obtuse or complicated, it means that it is context-dependent.
In Come As You Are, Emily Nagoski explains how sexual arousal and desire are responses that get ignited in certain contexts. Context can refer to a place or a setting that works for you (certain lighting, certain furniture, certain fabrics, etc.) or times that work for you (morning, afternoon, evening). Context goes way deeper than this, however; it includes the context of your relationship (how you are feeling about your partner in general), the context of your life (how stressed you are, your physical and mental health), and how you feel about your body and sexuality at any given moment in time. A lot of these pieces have to come together in a way that is uniquely right for you for you to get turned on and in a sexy mood. Therefore, it isn’t necessarily easy or automatic to get turned on… we may need to consistently pay attention to our context if we want to have access to our libido.
If it feels like it’s ‘easy’ for you to get turned on sometimes, look into what’s going on at those times. That may be your clue as to what aspects of ‘context’ are most arousing for you. If you feel like it’s never easy to get turned on, again, you might want to zoom out and look at what aspects of the context are getting in your way (long-standing relationship issues, physical/mental health issues, or stress).
Myth 7: we aren’t having sex X times per week, something is wrong
Sexual satisfaction is connected to so many other factors besides frequency. These factors include sexual communication, intimacy, permission to explore/experiment, openness to new experiences, the ability to be present/mindful, self-esteem, body image, and many more. For most of us, sex is about quality not quantity.
Myth 8: I’ve never had penetrative sex, this means that I am a virgin
This myth revolves around a very dangerous, cis-heteronormative and ableist definition of sex. Sex need not involve penetration. Sex is many different things to many different people: masturbating by yourself to a fantasy, tribading/grinding (with clothes on or off), oral sex, playing with sex toys, or acting out kinky scenes that involve barely any bodily contact at all! Great sex doesn’t revolve around penetration for many of us. We are taught that sex is “penis in vagina” between a man and a woman. Sex is so much more than that, to so many different kinds of folks, for so many different reasons. You get to decide what counts as sex. And, you get to decide what counts as your ‘sexual debut’ (we don’t love the term virginity, here’s why).
Myth 9: “Hot” sex is only for the young
We are consistently sold the image that young, slender folk are sexy; but being seen as sexy and actually being sexual do not always overlap. This is often how women feel, whose bodies are consistently objectified as sex objects, but who remain subject to taboos like slut shaming should they actually be sexual. This commodification and objectification of certain bodies prevents us from seeing and affirming that all of us—young and old—are sexual (except certain asexual folks of course).
Sex therapist, David Schnarch, is famous for saying: hot sex and cellulite are correlated! We don’t quite have statistics for this, but it actually makes common sense as many of us get wiser, and way less self-conscious and inhibited, as the years go by. The sexuality of older folk has been pathologized, marginalized and ridiculized for far too long. A 2015 study by Ménard and Kleinplatz interviewed 30 individuals between the ages 60-82 who had been in relationships for 25–52 years and reported having great sex lives. This study found that the factors that allowed them to experience fabulous sex included: overcoming early learning, openness to experience, mutual empathy, and the structure and depth of their relationships. The first factor – overcoming early learning is key. If you’ve made it this far in your reading, you are starting to become aware of how our early lessons about sex are often grossly distorted. Overcoming that early learning is actually a factor that facilitates great sex…and that unlearning and relearning process is one that only deepens over time. So perhaps hot sex and cellulite are correlated after all!
Myth 10: If my partner doesn’t have an orgasm it means they didn’t enjoy sex
Orgasms are great, but being goal-oriented in sex can actually be a real vibe-killer. Pleasure – not performance, or sexual frequency, or amount of orgasms – is the measure of great sex.
Of course if you aren’t experiencing orgasm and wanting to, it can be useful to explore what might be getting in the way, but sex can still be great without orgasm.
When in doubt, talk to your partner about what they want and what they enjoy!